Last month in Ukraine I was unpacking a lot of thoughts in my heart about the community I’ve been living in for the last 10 months.
I was trying to find a fire again for the people and the space I was in. I was actively fighting frustration, desires to isolate, and giving up. I was doing this on my own. I wasn’t letting others in or even asking God what he had to say about it. Instead, I focused on ministry and just pushing through but I was getting weary.God knew I couldn’t do that for two more months so he sent reinforcements.
“How good can you be with God if you aren’t okay with his body, which is a part of him?”
“What has God showed you this year about how people show up for you?”
God was speaking through these questions and he used other people to ask them.
I struggle with being prideful and too stubborn for my own good (Gods been stirring this up all year, we are working on it) so it’s very hard for me to ask for help. It’s even harder to let people show up for me because that means I have to TRUST that they will receive it with GRACE and UNDERSTANDING. Then you throw in the fear of REJECTION… “What if they don’t know what to say? What if it’s too much or I’m too messy? What if I don’t get what I need from them and am worse then when I asked for help? What if they let me down?”.. I’m sure I could keep going but you get the point.
This whole year I’ve preached vulnerability to my squad and letting others in even though I know that we are imperfect humans. I know that at some point we will fail each other. I know that we will let each other down, we will not listen to each others needs and do what we want. We will struggle to accept or give feedback and encouragements. We will grow frustrated or not be able to understand why someone is doing or saying something. Again, the list could go on. All of this causes hurt and when built up can cause someone to feel like they want to give in, give up and move on. Thats where I was.
Then I thought,
“What if God felt this way about us?”
“What if he grew tired of pursuing relationship with us?”
“What if he gave up on us the same way I wanted to give up on the people around me?”
“What if he stopped trying to love me out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to give him enough in return?”
We can look at plenty of times in the Old Testament where Gods people fell short AND THEN came JESUS. God sent his only Son as a living sacrifice for me and you because we will always fall short in some way. God loves us KNOWING we will never be able to fully return it and STILL he invites us into relationship with ALL that he is. He knows that we are being changed everyday.
“For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified”. -Hebrews 10:14
Living among the body and being the Church will always bring its challenges. I don’t have all the answers and honestly still struggle to do this thing well everyday. The beauty of the cross is that we don’t have to do anything to earn Gods love. I want to do better at extending this example of unconditional love to the people around me.
-Cyntya
Cyntya this is so good and so true!! thank you for sharing this with us, and I can certainly say ME TOO! haha i am praying that As you continue to seek Gods face that he will consume you with his presence and that loving the beautiful body of Christ would not be a means of striving but be so natural to you more and more each day! I love you so so much =)
I cannot wait to see you and hear more about all of this! You make me prouder and prouder every day for real. Love you TONS!!