Seven months overseas.
Seven months of finding simple joys in laughter.
Seven months of finding purpose in divine appointments.
Seven months of diving straight into new cultures.
Seven months of continuously being in awe of Gods creation.
Seven months of worshipping God around the world.
Seven months of, “How is this my life” pinch me moments.
Seven months of seeing Gods faithfulness play out.
Seven months of witnessing God at work in the natural and supernatural.
Seven months away from family, friends, and my “normal life”.
Seven months of constantly meeting new people and saying bye to them way too soon.
Seven months of learning to live with strangers and trying to love them well even though I’m imperfect.
Seven months of learning to love the relationship I have with God as it continues to stretch.
Seven months of trying to “lead” a team and constantly feeling like I’m falling short.
And now, I’m stuck.
I knew about The World Race for three years before applying. This year, for me, was supposed to be the stepping stone to my life as an overseas missionary. After this id know where overseas I’d move to and what kind of ministry I’d serve with. Then last month in Guatemala I felt a desire come on my heart that hadn’t come in a long time. I desire to feel rooted somewhere. Feeling “ROOTED” is not something that comes easy, if at all, on the race. With the constant highs and lows I mentioned above it’s the last thing i feel right now.
We have about 4 months left in this thing and I’ve come to a point where I feel stuck. The ways I’ve been able to serve alongside people this year in hopes of sharing Gods love with them are too many to count and yet here I am.. sitting on a balcony in Albania overlooking mountains that stretch for miles and I still feel unfulfilled. This year was supposed to bring answers and now I’m sitting with more questions than before.
I want to build community back home and I’ve learned this year that takes a lot of work so then I’m like well I’ll just go back to overseas missions. Then I think about this year and I’m like well that’s also been challenging so can I actually do that again? For people reading my blogs or following along on social media, “I’m living the dream.” I’m doing something “they could never do”. For people we are serving alongside with we are sometimes praised for our sacrifice to leave our country and home for the sake of sharing Gods love. The internal restlessness I’ve been having over the last two weeks is nothing I could ever express on social media.
I believe God has a purpose for every season in our lives. I know that this year on the race will prove to pour over into other seasons to come and some how I’m still not content. I miss home. I miss the community who saw me come to know Jesus. I miss my family who continually loves me unconditionally even when I do things they don’t understand like leave everything behind. I miss the job I had introducing young people to a life outdoors.
Talk about wanting to be in multiple places at one time?!?
I don’t know how to get out of this. I know as humans we constantly desire the next thing. We desire to be full filled. We desire purpose. If this wrestle has taught me anything… it’s that God truly is the only thing that can fill me up. I believe that to be true and yet here I am.
So, this blog doesn’t have a nice bow to tie it all up at the end. I’m frustrated with myself that I’m not content right now. I’m annoyed that I’m struggling to be present and not let my mind wander to “life after the race”. Im so thankful for the blessing God has given me to be here this year. I’m committed to wrestling this out because I know it has purpose but at the end of most days I don’t want to.
My prayer is that this blog would shed some light to the reality that the grass really isn’t greener on the other side. We are all living REAL life even if to some it seems like a dream. We are all imperfect humans who struggle with being content or present at some point in our lives.
When that comes, what/who do we turn to for stability?
I’ve chosen to always turn to Jesus first and even if I have to wrestle it out for a little bit I’d rather do that with him over anything else.
Prayers for myself, my team and my squad as we hit this point in our race would be so appreciated. Prayers for refreshment, for hope, for new promises to hold on to, and for a fresh fire to ignite in our hearts for where we are in life right now.
Stuck in the wrestle,
Cyntya
