I started seeing a therapist for the first time ever on March 13, 2020. Last year I faced six straight months of anxiety attacks that led to depression spells. I found myself constantly trying to not let the tightness in my chest turn into uncontrollable tears and hyperventilating. When the work day was over I was so exhausted from keeping this in that I felt numb. Sometimes when I finally had a chance to “let it out”, nothing came. Other times I was physically exhausted so I had no energy to try anything else. Instead, I isolated myself. I couldn’t let anyone see me like this because then I’d look weak. I’d be a burden and people would start to pity me. So I hid it.
Slowly and oh so gently, God gave me opportunities and nudged me to start sharing with friends. Almost three months had gone by before I told anyone. In all this God started encouraging me to start seeing a therapist and I pushed back… hard. I came up with every excuse in the book to not go but at that point the facts were too hard to ignore. I needed help. It was never said out loud to me growing up that I couldn’t see a therapist but it was also never offered. I knew it wasn’t an option because of the way I was taught to handle things. You pushed through because someone else always has it worse. You don’t tell people about issues going on except your family and even then you don’t explicitly talk about feelings or hurt you’ve experienced.
Therapy was hard and also very rewarding. I’ve always been one to rant to anyone who would listen but this was different. This time the other person had targeted responses that dug deeper into places of my heart and mind I didn’t realize were so warped. A friend recently asked me, “What did you learn from therapy?”.This question is one I am still unpacking.
Here are a couple of things I’ve come away with so far:
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It’s okay to not be okay and feel all the feels
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This may sound cliche but hear me out. I have ALWAYS been an emotional person and growing up that part of me was never acknowledged. Instead I was told “you are too sensitive” so I started to hide and hate myself for it. I came to believe it was the reason why I had so many issues. I must be crazy because I just felt things too deeply. At one point, I told my therapist this and she replied with “It is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel all of those emotions”. To have someone say that and speak directly to the hurt that built up over the years of never hearing it was quite a milestone.
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I came to realize the NEGATIVE and DESTRUCTIVE view of myself that had manifested over the years.
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A big chunk of therapy was spent unraveling the views I had around my own body image. Growing up I experienced a barrage of comments from family members all the time. One week I was skinny the next I was too fat. Over the years through High school, college and into my young adult life I experienced small bouts of unhealthy eating habits specifically binge eating. I realized there has NEVER been a point in my life where I was happy or satisfied with my own body. Eventually this unhappiness spilled into every other view I had of myself. I’ve started a slow process of re-creating the image I have of my body. It’s an ongoing fight.
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I am more self aware of daily negative thoughts and am working toward shifting them before they pile up.
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Stomp the ANT (Automatic Negative Thought) is a coping strategy we talked about and wow does it help. I’m still working on doing this and sometimes I fail to because it can be exhausting to feel like you are micromanaging your own thoughts every second of the day. Anytime I find myself having a negative thought I stop and analyze if there is any truth to it. If there’s not, I stomp it out and move on with my day.
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Saying things OUT LOUD helps me realize how wrong they are.
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Throughout therapy I realized the power behind saying things out loud. Being stuck in your own head is a dangerous thing and as I continued to share things with my therapist this became abundantly clear to me. As we unraveled the web of thoughts that is my brain, I realized how ABSURD and DESTRUCTIVE some of my thoughts were.
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“I FEEL ALONE” vs “I AM NOT ALONE”.
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For me Feeling lonely can quickly turn into a spiral of isolation and depression which is what started to happen a month into quarantine. A big light bulb moment was distinguishing FEELING alone and actually physically being alone. I’ve been blessed during quarantine to never be actually living alone. For most of it I’ve lived with a family who was always right downstairs to love and support me. Stopping for a second to ask myself, “Am I actually alone or do I feel alone?” has helped me control those isolation thoughts that sometimes hold no truth.
I had an amazing experience with my therapist who was a woman of God that spoke into my heart through that lens. I know some people haven’t had the best experience with therapists so it’s safe to say, Therapy isn’t for everyone. Speaking from my own experience, I am so happy God continued to nudge me towards doing this by using those closest to me. When I didn’t want to hear it, they spoke some HARD TRUTHS and because of that I am a healthier person in so many ways. (THANK YOU to those who stood by me when I wasn’t the easiest or nicest person to stand by!)
To whoever is reading this, I hope that something in here can encourage you or give you a nugget of hope wherever you are in life. I am interested to see how God continues to use what I’ve learned not only in my life but in the lives of those who I share with. As always, thank you for reading and following along on my journey. Feel free to comment or share with anyone 🙂
